Executive Function: Why the Fuck Can't I Start or Finish Anything?

Why can I desperately want to get something done and still not be able to start it?

In this episode, I talk about executive function, ADHD, procrastination and the absolute frustration of knowing what you need to do but somehow being unable to get your brain to cooperate.

I use my own PhD as a very real example. I want to finish it. I need to finish it. But the editing? I fucking hate editing. The small, detailed, cognitively demanding work is exactly the kind of thing my ADHD brain wants to avoid.

I also talk about why "I'm just lazy" isn't a particularly useful explanation, how perimenopause has affected my executive functioning, and why the strategies that worked for me in the past don't always work now.

And I finish with three simple strategies you can actually use when you're struggling to start or finish something:

Make the starting point ridiculously small.
 Use a ten-minute timer.
 Focus on the next physical action.

Because sometimes you don't need more motivation.

You just need to make it easier for your brain to start.

Thanks for listening to The Shit Show.

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Transcript

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Executive function Why the fuck can't I start or finish anything? Have you ever looked at something that you need to do and thought I know I need to do this. I know how to do this. I actually want to get it done. So why the fuck can't I start? Or maybe you've started it, and then somehow you've ended up doing three other things. You've checked your phone, you've made a cup of coffee, you've wandered into another room, and suddenly two hours have gone by, and you're sitting there thinking What the hell have I been doing? Or maybe you've got something that you've been working on for days, weeks, sometimes months, and you just can't finish it. And this is where executive function comes into it. Executive function is basically the set of mental processes that help us organize ourselves, get started, hold information in our minds, manage our attention, shift between tasks, regulate ourselves, and actually get things done. And when you've got ADHD, these things can be really fucking difficult. And I think one of the biggest misunderstandings about ADHD is this idea that if you don't do something, it's because you don't want to do it. That's not necessarily true. I can want to do something desperately and still not be able to get myself to start it. And that's the bit that used to really frustrate me, because I'd be looking at something and thinking come on, just fucking do it. And my brain would basically go no and I'd be thinking but why? And my brain would go I don't know just no. And then I'd feel guilty because I knew I should be doing it. And then I'd start thinking about all the other things I should be doing, and then I'd get overwhelmed. And then I'd do nothing, and then I'd feel like shit because I'd done nothing. And then I'd probably procrastinate some more because now I felt like shit. And that is the executive function shit show. And actually, I've got a really good example of this happening to me right now. I'm finishing my PhD, I've got to work on it today. I know I need to work on it. I know exactly what I need to do, and I know that if I don't keep working on it, I'm not going to get it finished in the next three months, and get it sent through to my supervisors. So you'd think Well, what's the problem? Just fucking do it. The problem is I have to edit it, and I fucking hate editing. I hate it. It's all that small detailed work. Looking at sentences, moving things around, checking whether something makes sense, checking references, looking at something I've already read, and trying to work out what needs changing. And for me, that is cognitively difficult. It's not that I don't want to finish my PhD. I absolutely fucking want to finish my PhD. It's not that I don't care about it, I care about it enormously. It's that the particular type of work I need to do right now is the type of work that my brain really struggles to initiate and sustain. And so what do I do? I put it off, I find something else to do. I'll think Oh, I'll just do this first. And then I'll do something else. And suddenly I've lost an hour, and then I'm annoyed with myself because I know I've got this really important thing sitting there that I need to do, and that's the difference. If I didn't care about my PhD, that would be a different problem, but I care very much about finishing it. I want to finish it. I need to finish it. And yet I can still sit there and procrastinate because the executive function demands of actually doing the work are difficult for me. And this isn't just me making excuses. There is actually research showing that people with ADHD are more likely to experience procrastination, particularly when difficulties with attention and executive functioning are involved. And I think that's really important because when we tell ourselves I'm just lazy, we're actually making the problem worse, because now we're not only struggling to start the task, we're also beating the shit out of ourselves for not starting it. And that doesn't magically make the executive function work better. It just makes us feel worse. The other thing I struggle with is finishing, and this is a different kind of frustration. I can be really interested in something at the beginning. I'll have the idea, I'll get excited about it, I'll start it. I'll do all the interesting bits, and then I get to the boring bits the editing, the checking, the little details, the formatting, the finishing, and suddenly my brain is like nope, we're done here. And I'm thinking No, we're not fucking done. The thing isn't finished. But my brain doesn't seem to care. And this is where I think people who don't have ADHD can sometimes struggle to understand what we're talking about. Because they'll say But you've already done most of it. Just finish it. Yes, I know. That's the fucking problem. I know I'm almost finished. I know it needs another hour. I know I need to check those things. I know the deadline is tomorrow. And somehow that doesn't make it easier to do. In fact, sometimes the closer I get to the end, the harder it becomes. And then there's motivation. I have absolutely no fucking motivation. But here's the interesting thing. I don't think it's always that I have no motivation. Sometimes I have loads of motivation. If I'm interested in something, if I'm excited about something, if it's new, if there's something I want to know, I can become completely absorbed in it. I can spend hours doing it. And then somebody will say Well, if you can do that for three hours, why can't you spend twenty minutes doing this other thing? And I'm like because they're not the same thing. My brain doesn't necessarily respond to importance in the same way that it responds to interest, urgency, novelty or stimulation. And that's one of the things that makes ADHD so fucking frustrating because you can be incredibly capable and still struggle with things that look ridiculously simple from the outside answering an email, making a phone call, paying a bill, starting a report, finishing an article, putting away the washing, making dinner. They're not difficult tasks, but sometimes the brain just doesn't seem to want to engage with them, and then you start questioning yourself Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just get my shit together? Why can everybody else seem to do this? And for me, perimenopause has made some of this even more noticeable, and I want to be careful here because the research around ADHD and perimenopause is still developing, but we do know that cognitive difficulties are common during perimenopause, including problems with attention and other aspects of cognitive functioning. Sleep problems, anxiety and other menopausal symptoms can also affect cognition. There is also emerging research suggesting that hormonal changes during perimenopause may worsen ADHD symptoms for some women, although there is still a lot we don't know about exactly how ADHD and the menopause transition interact. So if you've already got ADHD and executive function is something you struggle with, and then you're going through hormonal changes, it's not particularly surprising that you might suddenly think what the fuck is happening to me? Because the strategies that worked before might not work as well anymore, and this is where I've had to change the way I approach things. I can't keep expecting myself to function exactly the way I did ten years ago. I can't even necessarily expect myself to function the way I did last week. So instead of asking myself why can't I do this? I've started asking what is stopping me from starting this? Because that's a much more useful question. Is the task too big? Is it boring? Do I not know where to start? Am I overwhelmed? Am I tired? Is there too much going on? Do I need to break it down? Do I need someone else involved? Or do I actually just need to stop trying to do the whole fucking thing in one go? And this is where I'm going to have to apply the exact strategies that I'm recommending to you. Because otherwise I'm not going to finish this PhD in three months. I've got a fucking deadline, and I want to finish it. So here are the three things I want you to try. They're really simple. They're not a ten step productivity system. They're three things you can actually do when your brain is refusing to cooperate. Number one make the starting point ridiculously small. Don't tell yourself I have to work on my PhD. That's too big. Don't tell yourself I have to write this report. That's too big. Tell yourself I'm going to open the document. That's it. Open the document. Then find the section you need to work on. Then maybe you're going to work on one paragraph. You don't have to finish the whole thing. You just have to start. For me, with my PhD, I'm going to have to stop thinking. I've got to edit my PhD. That's fucking enormous. I'm going to think right, I'm going to open the document, find the section I'm working on, and I'm going to edit this one small piece. That's it. Sometimes getting over that initial barrier is the hardest part. Number two use a timer. Give yourself ten minutes. Not an hour, not the entire afternoon. Ten minutes. Tell yourself I'm going to work on this for ten minutes and then I can stop. And if I only edit my PhD for ten minutes, that's okay. I've still done ten minutes. But quite often, once you've actually started, you'll find that you can keep going. And if you don't, that's okay too. You've still moved the thing forward. And again, I'm going to have to do this myself. Because thinking I've got to sit down and edit my PhD for the next four hours is probably enough to make me want to run away. But ten minutes? I can do ten fucking minutes. Number three stop trying to hold the whole task in your head. Write down the next physical action, not the whole project, the next thing. So instead of finish PhD chapter, it might be open chapter. Read the last paragraph, fix the first reference, rewrite one sentence. Because when your brain is already overloaded, asking it to hold the entire project in its head is just another fucking job. Get it out of your head and on to something you can see, and that's exactly what I'm going to have to do with my PhD. I'm not going to sit there thinking about the whole fucking thing. I'm going to ask myself what is the next physical action? What do I actually need to do next? And that's it. Because I'm not just giving you these strategies because they sound good, I'm going to have to use them myself, because I've got a fucking deadline, and I want to finish this PhD, and I think that's probably the biggest thing I've learned. I don't need to bully myself into functioning. I need to understand what my brain needs in order to get started. And if you're sitting there thinking, but I know what I need to do. Why can't I just fucking do it? You're not necessarily lazy. You're not necessarily unmotivated, and you're definitely not a failure. You might just be struggling with the executive function required to get from knowing what you need to do to actually doing it. And once you understand that, you can stop beating yourself up and start experimenting with ways of making things easier. So that's your three things. Make the starting point ridiculously small. Use a ten minute timer. And get the next physical action out of your head and onto paper. That's it. Don't try to fix your entire life today. Don't try to finish the entire fucking project today. Just start the thing. One small piece, ten minutes, one next action, and then do it again tomorrow. Because sometimes you don't need more motivation. You just need to make it easier for your brain to start. Take care, and I'll see you in the next episode.