Why Does Everything Have to Be Bloody Perfect?

Why does everything have to be bloody perfect?

In this episode of The Shit Show, I talk about my lifelong struggle with perfectionism, fear of criticism, people pleasing and the need to be over-prepared. I look at how these things can become ways of compensating for ADHD-related difficulties, and how perimenopause can completely fuck with the systems and strategies you've relied on for years.

I talk about masking, procrastination, elaborate lists and systems, being hypersensitive to criticism, and what happens when suddenly you don't have the same capacity to keep everything under control.

I'll also share three strategies that have helped me: challenging the need for perfection, recognising when criticism is triggering you, and knowing when your bullshit tolerance has reached zero.

Because sometimes you don't need to try harder. You need to step away, take a breath, and give yourself permission to be a little less bloody perfect.

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Transcript

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Episode six Why does everything have to be bloody perfect? This is something I've struggled with for pretty much my whole life. Everything has to be done a certain way. Things have to be right. I have an idea in my head about how something should look, how it should be done, how my life should look, and even how I want other people to see me. And I think that last part is actually really important. It's not just about wanting things to be perfect for me, it's also been about how I wanted to be viewed by other people. I wanted people to think I was capable, I wanted people to think I was organized, I wanted people to think I knew what I was doing. I wanted to be the person who could just get on with things and get shit done. And I think a lot of that came from the way I was brought up. I was expected to work hard, get on with it, get along with everybody. Don't rock the boat and just do what you're supposed to be doing. And so being a people pleaser became part of that as well. I wanted people to like me. I didn't want people to be disappointed in me, and I definitely didn't want people to criticize me. I remember seeing a meme once that said What other people think of you is none of your business, and that really resonated with me, because I realized how much energy I'd spent worrying about what other people thought of me. Did they like me? Did they think I was doing a good job? Had I said the wrong thing? Had I done something wrong? Were they disappointed in me? And I was incredibly sensitive to criticism. Actually, hypersensitive. If somebody didn't like me, I'd take it personally. If I did something wrong and somebody told me off, I'd take it personally. If a boss or somebody more senior criticized me, I'd take it personally, and I would go home and cry. And it wasn't necessarily because what they'd said was particularly terrible, it was because I took criticism really deeply. And so I had this combination of perfectionism and fear of criticism. And when you've got those two things working together, you can end up becoming incredibly over prepared. Because if I prepare enough, maybe I won't get criticized. If I know everything, maybe I won't get something wrong. If I have thought through every possible scenario, maybe I won't fuck up. And so I became really good at preparing, really good. And I also became really good at systems. Systems are actually something I've always been good at. I can take a theoretical idea and translate it into practice. I can understand how systems work. I can see how different pieces connect. And so I would create systems for myself, lists, processes, ways of doing things, and these systems could be incredibly elaborate. And at the time I just thought well, this is how I work. I didn't realise how much of this was actually compensating for things that I was finding difficult. I didn't realise how much I was masking, because when you've spent years figuring out how to compensate for the things your brain struggles with, you don't necessarily recognise it as compensation. You just think that's who you are. I'm organized, I'm prepared, I'm conscientious, I'm a perfectionist. I'm a hard worker, I'm somebody who gets shit done. And then perimenopause came along. And suddenly those systems didn't work quite as well anymore. And that was a bloody shock, because I had spent my whole life figuring out how to manage myself, and then suddenly I couldn't. I couldn't stay on top of everything in the same way. Things that I used to be able to juggle became much harder, my capacity changed, my concentration changed, my memory changed, my ability to process things changed, and suddenly the systems I'd built to keep everything under control weren't enough any more, and I remember getting to a point where I just woke up one day and thought this is absolute shit. I didn't want to be in the particular job I was in at the time, and the interesting thing was I actually loved my job. It wasn't that I hated the work. There was some drama going on around me, and it wasn't my drama. I made sure I stayed out of it. But there was enough going on that I knew if I didn't remove myself from that situation, I was going to fucking explode. And this was before I was on HRT. It was before I was on ADHD medication. It was basically the raw, unfiltered version of me. And I remember thinking yeah, I have to get out of this. And I did. I went on HRT, and that made a real difference for me. But I also realized something else. I think I'm actually better when I'm my own boss. I don't like being micromanaged. I don't like somebody hovering over me. I don't like somebody constantly checking what I'm doing. I like having autonomy. I like being able to decide how I'm going to approach something. And I know not everybody has the privilege of being able to work for themselves, so I'm not saying that's the answer for everyone. But for me, being my own boss works. It gives me the autonomy to work in the way that suits my brain. And I think that's something I've become much more aware of as I've got older. I don't want to spend my life trying to fit myself into somebody else's system if that system doesn't work for me. And that's probably one of the biggest shifts I've experienced, because for so long I was trying to make myself fit. I was trying to be the version of myself that was acceptable, the version that was organized, the version that was prepared, the version that didn't cause problems, the version that didn't rock the boat, and I think some of that was perfectionism, some of it was people pleasing, some of it was fear of criticism, and some of it may have been the ways I had learned to compensate for ADHD related difficulties without actually knowing that ADHD was part of the picture. And that's the thing about masking. You can become really fucking good at it. You can become so good at compensating that nobody else sees the difficulty. They just see the person who is organized and capable and gets everything done, but what they don't see is how much energy it takes, and I think perimenopause exposed some of that for me. Because when your cognitive capacity changes, suddenly you don't have the same amount of energy to maintain all those systems. And that's when you start thinking what the fuck is happening to me? Why can't I do what I used to do? Why can't I keep up? Why am I procrastinating? Why am I so overwhelmed? Why am I taking criticism so personally? Why am I so fucking angry? And I think that's why understanding what is happening underneath the behaviour is so important. Because if I had just looked at myself and thought you're failing, you're not working hard enough, you're not organized enough, I would have completely missed what was actually happening. So what do we do about it? I've got three things that I've been learning to do. The first one is to challenge the idea that everything has to be perfect, and I know that's easier said than done, because if you've spent your whole life being a perfectionist, you can't just wake up one morning and go fuck it I don't care anymore. Although sometimes that does happen. But what I've started doing is asking myself does this actually need to be perfect? Or does it just need to be done? Because those are two very different things. Sometimes good enough is good enough. Sometimes nobody else is even going to notice the thing that you've spent three hours worrying about, and sometimes you need to remind yourself that your worth isn't determined by whether you did something perfectly. The second strategy is to recognise the criticism trigger. If somebody criticizes me and I immediately feel that emotional reaction, I try not to respond straight away, because sometimes my first reaction is much bigger than the situation actually warrants. So I might step away, I might take some time, I might think about what was actually said rather than what I interpreted it to mean. Was that person actually attacking me? Or did they just give me some feedback because those aren't necessarily the same thing? And if you're anything like me, that distinction can be really important. The third thing is recognizing when your bullshit tolerance is at zero, because this is something I've definitely noticed with perimenopause. There are days when my tolerance for bullshit is basically non existent zero and if I'm already overwhelmed, tired, dealing with brain fog, and my hormones are all over the place, adding some unnecessary drama on top of that is probably not going to end well. So sometimes the best strategy is to remove yourself. Just say I think I need to step away from this for a minute. Go somewhere else, take a breath, give yourself some space, because you don't have to stay in a situation until you explode. And I think that's actually a really important thing to learn. You can leave, you can say no. You can take a break, you can remove yourself from a situation before you have the perimenopausal blowout that you know is coming. And I've also found that being open about perimenopause can help. If I say I'm going through perimenopause and my hormones are all over the place, people are often much more understanding than I expect. Other women especially tend to go Yep, I get it. And I think more men are becoming informed about perimenopause as well. So sometimes just explaining what's happening can take some of the pressure off. And I think my biggest takeaway from all of this is that you don't have to spend your entire life trying to be the version of yourself that makes everybody else comfortable. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to have everything figured out. You don't have to prepare for every possible thing that could go wrong, and you don't have to take every piece of criticism as a judgment on who you are as a person. And I think that meme I saw all those years ago really sums it up. What other people think of you is none of your business. I'm still working on that one, but I think I'm getting better at it. And maybe that's one of the really positive things about getting older. You start giving less of a fuck about things that don't actually matter. You start figuring out who you are, what works for you, what doesn't work for you, and you start realizing that you don't actually need everybody else to approve of you. So if you're struggling with perfectionism, fear of criticism, over preparing, procrastination, or constantly trying to hold everything together, maybe just stop for a minute and ask yourself do I actually need to do this perfectly? Am I reacting to what was actually said or am I reacting to what I think they think about me? And do I need to stay in this situation right now? Because sometimes the most productive thing you can do isn't to try harder. Sometimes it's to step away, take a breath, and give yourself permission to be a little bit less bloody perfect. Take care, and I'll see you in the next episode.